Welcome to my pity party

For some reason I have started feeling sad about my relationship with my mom lately. I guess it's because she's going through a mid-life crisis and has started acting odd lately.

I feel weird talking about this. It's not like me to talk about things this close to my heart with the world. Michael is one of the only people I share with. I guess it's safer that way. If others know too many personal things about you, then they have more ammo to hurt you with. *sigh*

I may delete this post later because I usually regret saying things like this out loud. Hopefully, just typing it will help me let it go.

My mom has rarely ever been there for me when I needed her. Sometimes I can accept that but other times (like now) it bothers me. My mom rarely will go out of her way to do things for me & my sister. However, she will go out of her way to obsess over her animals or my step-dad daily. For some reason my sister and I (and now my kids) haven't ever been that important to her. That hurts me and makes me sad when I think about it. Between how mean & nasty my biological dad treats everyone & our mom ignoring us, there's no doubt why my sister & I have been swimming in the the pool of depression off & on for most of our lives. Of course she tells us she loves us often but her actions speak so much louder than her words.

I don't like that she plays my sister and I against each other. She always pretends to be our "best friend" when we talk to her but she is quick to talk nasty about us with the other one later on or just share the private personal things we spoke with her about. When she does this she causes fights between my sister and I. She's done it recently with Brittney (my step-brother's kid). She shared things with Brittney that she shouldn't have and encouraged her to be mad at me over something that had NOTHING to do with Britt.

I wish my mom was the kind of mom that would mother me. I wish that after I gave birth that she would have felt I was important enough to come help me out for a week or so. I wanted her to come down for Mallory's birth and she just couldn't leave her cats & my step-dad. She doesn't come down to visit with me, rarely will call me, & when I visit her or when she watches my kids for me she is always "busy" doing NOTHING and can't just focus on spending time interacting with us.

Now my mom is hormonal or depressed or something and feels like she needs to get away. She has decided to spend a week with some friends in Florida. She is even flying. The woman doesn't even leave the town she lives in all that often and never alone. Now she's gonna drive the two hours to my house (so I can take her to the airport) & fly on a plane (which I don't think she's ever done before) ALL alone. She expects me to babysit her cats & my step-dad because supposedly my step-dad can't be trusted to take care of himself &/or the cats. Honestly, I said I would do it because my sister (that lives in the same town) isn't reliable & I'm afraid my mom is going to go postal if she doesn't get away from that house.

I just don't feel like interacting with her anymore. I feel done with it all. The only thing she does for me is buy me gifts (she really doesn't have the money for) I guess to bribe me and occasionally "watch" my kids so Michael & I can go out(but honestly she just leaves them to fend for themselves with my step-dad while she does other things or she talks my sister into laying around next to the kids while she's "busy").

Anyway, she feels even less like a mother to me these days and it's something I guess I need to morn. :(